It's a late Monday night. You're watching Netflix, stuffing your face with popcorn and checking Instagram every five minutes. You wish it was Friday already so you could get on to the weekend and not worry about the stress of school.
Your phone rings, it's your best friend so you jump to open it. You expect a funny meme or a screenshot of texts they have been exchanging with someone recently. But it's those three words you never thought you would have to read. "I have cancer" Your heart drops. What? Why is this happening? How is this happening? Are they going to live? Stop. Before you say anything tell yourself it is going to be okay. Remind yourself that you need to be there for your friend in any way you can. Remind yourself that they are still processing it too, wait to ask questions, and respect what they ask of you. Before you say the obligatory "I'm sorry" think about words that can really make an impact on their time of crisis. "I'm here for you" "You can do this" "You can beat this" "I'm here to listen" Showing that you care and want to make the experience more bearable is the exact type of reassurance they need right now. The life ahead you have with your friend is going to a bumpy road. Times will be tough, you will be scared, and you will not know what to say. And that is okay. It is okay not to know what to say. Being there and respecting what they ask of you will mean the world. But the most important thing to ask yourself is can you do this? Can you support them no matter what? Can you be there to remind them who they are when they forgot? Can you be there through the good and the bad? Can you be there to help increase their quality of life and not what people think about you? Be honest to you and your friend. Ask what you can do to help them. As if they need anything. Ask if you can do more to support them. It is important to communicate how you are feeling, because watching someone go through cancer is tough for everyone involved. However, you can do it if you want to. Taking one day at a time, keeping a positive attitude and focusing on the important things in life can propel you forward. Remember that the impact that you are making on their experience is important. They need someone to support them and remind them that they are human, not just a cancer patient. Remember that you do not have to say or do anything profound. Being there and listening is everything they need. It has taken me a long time to write this blog post, this is the fourth time I've written it. I did not know what direction I wanted to take it. I found myself mad and frustrated at the people that have left me throughout my diagnosis, treatment and after cancer. The friendships I have lost have been very impactful on my self confidence. After one of my best friends treated me terribly when I was diagnosed and a new friend came into my life to leave after I was cancer free, I was struggling to decide what was worse. I was at a loss for words that something I had no control of, left me feeling so lost and alone. I was angry that they took away my confidence in making new friendships. I was angry that they made me question myself, make me think it was my fault they left me. To this day I am still confused what I would have wished would happen with those friendships. Would I have wanted my best friend to stay? Would I have not wanted the other friend to come into my life at all? How would I be now if I never knew them? I'll never know. Crazy isn't it? What I do know is that the one friend that stuck with me through it all has impacted my life more than all of the people that have left combined. They have showed me compassion, trust, and true friendship. I am so grateful to have someone that stuck through it all. Their dedication to my friendship is something I hold close to my heart. Through my experiences with friendships as I battled cancer and I battle life after cancer I have learned a lot. The most important thing to take away if your friend is battling cancer is that your support will mean the world. Your experiences with cancer are very different but you still are battling it one way or another. Your friend is fighting cancer and your support is helping them fight cancer. A quote that I think is so important to grasp is, "The doctors, the chemo, and the radiation may cure the cancer, but it's finding the community you can belong to that heals you (The Cancer Patient)" Be that community, that support and that healing process throughout their fight.
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The other day one of my close friends asked me, "Why do you work out? What makes it enjoyable for you?"
It really got me thinking. Why do I do this? Why do I spent almost two hours every day at the gym and try to monitor every ingredient that I put into my body when I eat? Because at one point every choice was taken away from me, in order to live. I had to let the doctors take charge of my life, in order for me to survive. I had to watch as the poison in the chemotherapy pulsed through my veins and killed every fast growing cell. I had to watch as my body slowly disintegrated before my eyes, every ounce of my who I used to be disappear into thin air. I had to watch my body loose strength to the point where standing up was a chore. Before I was diagnosed, every morning I would wake up drenched in sweat and wondering what was wrong with me. I felt each step as I walked pulse through my body and shake my entire being. I watched my weight drop each day as I smiled at the scale because "I looked great" even though I felt awful. During treatment, I watched my body wash away. I felt exhausted from laying in the hospital bed. I couldn't sit up without my mom's help, as I reached for assistance in every move I made. The chemotherapy made me so weak that walking up the stairs was the biggest obstacle of my day. I couldn't walk up one step without getting defeated, winded from breath and discouraged. I had to have my mom in front of me as we walked up the stairs together, holding on to her for support as I faced each step feeling hopeless and defeated. I watched my body loose hope and my emotional strength fade away with it. Regaining my physical and emotional strength after treatment was difficult. I was embarrassed that walking was difficult for me, that my balance was weak and that I would fall backwards when standing. I was embarrassed that my ankles couldn't hold my body up and I had to hold on to people when walking. Physical therapy helped me regain my strength but was difficult for me emotionally. I remember asking myself "what has happened to me? why am I here" I longed for the days that I used to dance, workout and be active with no question. I longed for the days when I could walk without thinking about each step I would have to face. Now months later, I am regaining my strength back. Each day I am fighting for my life. Fighting to regain all my strength back. Fighting to beat all the side effects of the chemotherapy so my ankles let me run again. Fighting to regain the strength I once had. Months ago I was receiving treatment that made me feel weak and hopeless. I couldn't walk up the stairs without assistance and a long break afterwards. Today I am walking up 60 flights on stairs on the "StairMaster" in under 9 minutes. My battle helped me appreciate the little things in life. It helped me appreciate the ability to walk, the ability to taste food, and the ability to breathe. It helped me realize that each day we wake up is a day that brings a different challenge or obstacle that should be cherished. Each day brings us another day in life that should be celebrated. Like Lisa Sugar says in her book, Power Your Happy "I look forward to Mondays as much as Fridays. In my world, there is no such thing as the Monday blues." Each day brings us life. Each day brings us the ability to walk, eat, and breath. Why not use it? Diagnosed with cancer at 19 years old
Withdrew from college. Five cycles of Chemotherapy 14 rounds of Proton Radiation Rang the victory bell Went back to college This is my cancer timeline. The hardest months of my life shortened to six sentences. Five months that changed my life, my perspective and who I am today. Throughout my treatment I longed for the better days. I envisioned the day I would ring the bell over and over in my head. I envisioned how happy I would be and how bright my future would be. What I did not envision was the immense hardship I would endure after treatment. I did not envision how hard it would be to jump back into life. How hard it would be to leave home and be all by myself. How hard it would be to soon realize I did not fit in where I used to. How hard it would be to gain confidence in myself after loosing so many friendships. How hard it would be to move on with life, when I almost just died. How hard it would be to face survivors guilt when so many others are gone. How hard it would be to be a 20 year old cancer survivor. My diagnosis has taught me numerous lessons, some that I am continuing to realize each day. I am thankful for the things I have learned but at times I wish it would stop. I wish I could be a normal college student. I wish I could be carefree and feel unstoppable. I wish I wasn't constantly scared that my cancer was going to come back. I wish cancer wasn't constantly in the back of my mind. I wish people weren't scared to talk to me because of my diagnosis. I wish people could view me the same as any other person. I wish I could be normal again. But I can't. I can't change the past, but I can change how I deal with the present. I have learned that being by yourself, completely alone with no distractions can be very difficult but very rewarding. Being okay with staying home on a Friday night, have no plans, and being content with your "me time" is a quality that not many have. It has a sense of confidence and self love that I have begun to grasp. However, after endless days and nights by myself I began to realize I am alone. Living my life as a college student after cancer has made it very difficult for me to relate and enjoy time with others my age. I have matured faster during the five months of treatment than someone else my age could in four years. My diagnosis and what I endured throughout my treatment has left me feeling more isolated than ever. I am lost on my own island and do not know what to do on it. I have so much uncertainty of my future and what it has in store for me. I just have to let myself be. Easier said than done right? In my generation it seems so important to make your life look perfect. Make it seem like you are always happy, content and have no problems in the world. Well I'm here to tell you my life isn't perfect, constantly happy or full of friends and fun. I am open to sharing that my life is not perfect. I'm here to tell you it is challenging, frustrating, isolating, and frightening. So many people tell me, "You beat cancer, you can do anything...this should not bother you." But I have begun to realize that just because someone beat cancer does not mean that the physical and emotional trauma that their diagnosis and treatment gave them is over. And that is okay. I am not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I am writing this to shed a light on how life after cancer is anything but going back to normal...whatever that is. If you know someone who is dealing with a diagnosis, going through treatment, or is a survivor. Talk to them. No matter who they are to you, reach out. Show to them that you are not scared of their diagnosis and you are there for support. You are there to talk about how much and how little they want. Tell them that they are more than their diagnosis and you care for them. Just be there. They will thank you later. |