Normal
What is normal? Ever since I was diagnosed I remember asking myself "why am I not normal". I kept wishing that I could go back to "normal" again. I longed for the day that I would feel normal... look normal... be treated like a normal person. But what does that all mean? Getting diagnosed with cancer, being treated with chemotherapy and radiation takes every bit of normalcy out of you. It kills the bad cells and the good cells. It makes you feel sick, look sick, and have little to no energy. It kills you inside and all you can do is sit back and watch and just hope it kills the cancer too. Cancer brings an abundance of trauma in your life that it begins to be your normal. Constantly being stabbed with needles, pumped with poison, getting strapped into a mask on a table for radiation treatment... it all begins to be normal. The constant tears, numbness, and fatigue begins to be normal. I am over a month out of treatment and back at college. I have met with tons of friends and talked about my story. Opening up to people has been very therapeutic but also very eye opening. It has opened me to the realization about how much trauma I have faced these past months. All my stories are my normal, they are what I experienced, they were what I was used to. But as I talked about my normal to an outsider, they turned into horror stories. Fear, sorrow and even admiration showed in their eyes as they listened to me talk about my normal. I began to realize that your "normal" can fluctuate and I am a perfect example of that. A little over a month ago my normal was receiving treatment for my cancer. I beat and overcame that normal. Now my normal is being a college student. A cancer free college student. But just because I am cancer free and back at college does NOT mean that I am the same person as I was before I was diagnosed. Getting diagnosed with cancer came with a lot of trauma. I lost friendships, I saw my body deteriorate in front of my eyes, and everything in between was suddenly gone. But I can and will say this. I am mentally and emotionally stronger than my previous normal. I have the ability and courage to fight and overcome anything and everything that comes in my way. But I still have mountains to climb, battles to fight, and people to face. This is my new normal and it's time to embrace it.
0 Comments
Getting diagnosed with cancer puts a toll on your entire life. It's like the world is moving one second, shattered the next, and you hope the pieces can come back together again. Some of these pieces are your health and well being. Some of these pieces are your family and their dynamic together. Some of these pieces are your friends. For me, some of the pieces have reformed a stronger bond than I knew possible and others stayed shattered. When I first got diagnosed with cancer I was ashamed and heartbroken. I wanted to hide it, I wanted to hide the truth. I told my closets friends. I told the people I thought would be there, would stay and say the right things. I remember texting them saying "it's cancer". Just typing that sentence broke my heart but I hoped they would be there to help me put together the pieces. This is when I began to realize that cancer can bring out the worst of people. When I should have been getting support, comfort and friendship I got betrayal, hatred and anger. The one person that I trusted the most and cared for was slowly leaving me. I was distraught. I had no idea someone could continue to add to the darkness that started to absorb my life. Each text they sent, sent me down a spiral of emotions from asking why they are treating me this way, to why is this happening to me. They began to question my side of the friendship as Iaid there with the death threat of cancer placed in front of me. As if cancer was not enough, another thing betrayed me- my best friend. I ended up having to block them because I could not deal with the pain, stress and heartbreak they were adding to my life. I'm not sure I will never fully understand how someone could be so hurtful and heartless during time of anguish and heartbreak of another person. And because of that, I write this post. To those who left me: Why did you leave me at my lowest? Why did you treat me like a burden in your life? Why did you leave me when I needed you the most? Why did you leave me when you stayed all the times before? Why were you only there for the good happy times and fled from the bad? How could you make me feel like I had no one? What made you want to add to my darkness of cancer? "There comes a time where silence is betrayal" Some people that I thought were my friends, still to this day have not reached out. From this experience I have learned that some people do not know how to deal with the hardship and pain that comes with cancer, so they leave. They leave to escape the death threat that cancer puts into your life. Some people only want to be there in the good times of your life and don't want to be there for the bad. I realized this the most when I posted that I was cancer free. People that I haven't heard from for months and even years started to reach out. They weren't there when I got diagnosed but they were there for the celebration afterwards. Those people are not worth your time. You deserve someone who will be there for the entire ride not just be there for the high roads. Everyone deserves friendships full of genuine, loyal and caring people. I have learned that life is too short to receive anything but that. You deserve to be treated with respect and treated with love, nothing less. Your life and presence is a gift that people should respect, enjoy and cherish. To those who left me: Thank you for teaching me my worth. Thank you for leading me to healthier friendships. Thank you for giving me strength that I never knew I had. Thank you for showing me that I could do this on my own, without you. I have strength that I never knew before and that is because of you. "Hey what happened to your hair"
"Did you loose a bet?" "We have the same hair cut! HA!" "I think they confused us because of our heads.." These are all things that have been said straight to my face by complete strangers. I know my blog is about how bald is beautiful but I wanted to shed a light that being bald in society especially at a young age of 20 is NOT easy. I get constant stares, scared looks, and comments by complete strangers on a daily basis. At first being in public was terrifying for me. Everyone looked at me like I was an alien, like something was wrong with me, like they were sorry for me. Cancer took away all sense of normality from my daily life. So getting comments about how I looked different than the average 20 year old girl really took that last bit of confidence that I had away from me. I know what you are thinking. Why didn't you just wear a hat or a wig? But that was not a solution in my eyes. When I put a hat on I felt like I was hiding away from a major part of my life. I was covering up the fact that I lost my hair. I was hiding from the truth. It made me feel even more different because I had to hide something that was happening to me from society, like I should be ashamed of it. When I first got diagnosed with cancer the first thing that popped into my head was "Am I going to loose my hair?". I did not even think about if I was going to die. One thing I have learned throughout my journey is how important looks are to us as members of society. We always have to have this perfect image of ourselves portrayed for the world to see. We have to have the perfect Instagram picture, with the perfect caption and it has to get tons of likes or else we look bad. We are so focused on achieving the perfect image that we don't take time to take a step back and focus on what's really important. Are you healthy? Are you happy? Do you have people that are supportive, loyal, genuine, and kind in your life? Because in the grand scheme of things... that is all that really matters. Once I began to realize that, being bald was much easier. The chemo may have made me loose my hair but it also killed all the cancer in my body and THAT is what is important. I learned that genuine and loyal friendships don't come very often. I lost one of my best friends to my diagnosis but I also gained and formed stronger friendships and THAT is what is important. I may have gotten weird looks, mean comments, and sad faces but I gained strength to move forward and focus on the positives, that I am regaining my health, and THAT is what is important. Next time you see someone who appears to look "different" in your eyes stop and think... maybe they have something going in their life and you should respect them and smile at them for being strong enough to embrace it. |