One year ago I was diagnosed with cancer.
One year ago today, February 20, 2018 I heard those three words, "you have cancer" that changed my life forever. When I was first diagnosed I often looked forward to this day. I viewed it as a huge milestone. A turning point on the timeline of my life. A time that would show it was all over. After I was done with treatment, after I rang the bell, after I went back to school and went back to "normal life" I suddenly resented the one year mark. I began to be scared, terrified and even fought back tears when talking about it. I began to be afraid of that milestone that I used to view highly. What had changed? Why was I so afraid? Starting in the month of February, as I geared up for the big day I began getting flashbacks. Flashbacks of moments of the trauma leading up to my diagnosis and treatment that I had repressed in my mind. I would see myself gasping for my breath with sweat dripping down my face as I attempted to walk to class. I would see myself limp in a wheel chair, being pushed through the hospital as people looked at me with sad and sorry eyes. I would feel my hair gelled to my scalp from the abundance of sweat as the medical face mask clung to my ears. I would hear myself screaming from the pain as the nurses urged me to take pain medication. I was re-living it over and over in my head. I was re-living the trauma and the heartbreak and I didn't know how to make it stop. Then the week of my diagnosis came. I started to look through pictures of myself prior to my diagnosis. Thinking wow, I really had cancer and no one knew. Those four months of immense pain and discomfort...I had cancer. Pictures popped up on my "Facebook memories" from one year ago and I would stare blankly at that girl in the picture. I had no idea who she was and why she was smiling. She had cancer, why couldn't anyone tell her? Why couldn't anyone tell her that her body was slowly eating itself alive? Why couldn't anyone tell her? As the day got closer and closer, the trauma increased. Memories began to flood my head, my vision, and my emotions. I began to feel lost and I started telling myself I couldn't do it alone. I believed that I was incapable of facing the day by myself. Today. February 20, 2019, I woke up and faced the day by myself. Throughout the entire day I felt strange...numb even. I questioned how I should feel. If I should feel emotional, if I should be reminiscing the past and thinking about how far I've come or if I should ignore it all completely...like today is just another day. It wasn't until I read a quote, "If you let yourself be ___, you shall be ___". I realized: if I let myself be scared about today, I shall be scared about today. I realized that in this moment, I have control of what today brings. One year ago I did not have control of what the day brought, but today I do. I have control to stand strong and realize how far I've come. I have control of how I respond to something I had no control over: cancer. One year ago today, I had cancer. Today, I have been cancer free for 10 months and 7 days. I dedicate today to a healthy life full of choices, experiences and friendships that can help lead me to my true purpose in life.
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You are scrolling through Facebook and you read that your acquaintance has cancer. Your first reaction is to quickly "react" to the post or keep scrolling. You are scared of saying the wrong thing or if what you has to say means anything.
Stop. What you are feeling is normal. What do you have to do with their cancer diagnosis? What about anything that you could say is going to help them? Think again. Every interaction you have with people...every relationship you have with people in general means something. You mean something and you doing or not doing something means something to them. Now, I'm not telling you to go knocking on their door, to make an entire Facebook post about how much you care for them, or anything like that. I am telling you that you saying something could impact them or help them. Now before you go typing "I'm so sorry to hear that" on their Facebook post. Stop. Think about things that could make them feel less like a victim and more like a warrior. "You can do this" "Your courage, strength and spirit inspires me" "Thank you for sharing, you can beat this" Empower them through their fight. However, it is important to take the level of your relationship into consideration. Make sure that the gesture you are making is appropriate for your relationship prior to their diagnosis. Let the level of your relationship prior to their diagnosis fuel your approach to helping them heal. Are you their ex? Are you their high school best friend? Are you a person in their math class from high school? Are you a family friend or neighbor? Are you in their organization but never talked to them before? It's important to know that no matter how small your relationship with them, if you say something it can help them. I still remember each person who reached out to me, how they reached out and how they impacted my battle. But I also remember each person who did not reach out to me that should have. Close friends from high school or guy friends from college, only liked my posts and moved on with their lives. I often wondered why they did not reach out to me, why they didn't take one minute out of their day to text me and say, "Hey I've been thinking of you, you got this". It made me upset, angry, and question if I did something wrong. It made me feel like cancer defined me, that people did not want to talk to me because I had cancer and they were scared of me. What did I do to make them not want to talk to me anymore? The real answer is: nothing. It's because people are scared of saying the wrong thing, they think that what they have to say means nothing. Remember it does. The amount of times I heard "I was going to reach out to you, but I didn't know what to say" "I've been thinking about you" "I've been meaning to reach out, I'm so glad you are back" is insane. Do not be hesitant to reach out to someone. Do not be hesitant to share how their battle has inspired you, motivated you or fueled your life some how. Do not be hesitant to say something. Because when people see that they are impacting, influencing and motivating others, it impacts, inspires and motivates them. As Martin Luther King said, "There becomes a time when silence is betrayal." Don't be silent. Be supportive, be inspiring and help them believe that they are helping others. How can you do this? For me, the actions that impacted me the most were cards or personal texts or messages. Sending a card is a tangible and visible way of showing you are thinking of someone. I have kept every card I received throughout my treatment, because it meant so much to me. A personal card or message shows that you actually care about reaching out them, that you want to talk them. Sending a personal message eliminates the positive impacts it could make on your public appearance and makes it meaningful for the person you are reaching out to. The amount of times I got public messages on my Facebook wall "Thinking about you! We have to get lunch!" or "Love you so much, you got this!" and they never follow through is ridiculous. We never got lunch and they never reached out personally. It made it seem like they were just doing it for their personal benefit, to make others think that they care about the "cancer girl", and to make them seem like a good person. No matter your relationship with the person impacted by cancer you can do something to impact them in a positive way. A simple, "Hey I know we haven't talked in awhile, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you. You got this." Will brighten their day. Be the person that changes or brightens their day. Be the light in their darkest times. No matter your relationship remember: you doing something means something. |