After my diagnosis it was time to take action.
I got my first PET and CT scan. This was another day of fasting that lead me to sitting in the "hot room"... 101.7 degrees to be exact for 3 hours. One hour was preparation of fluids, one hour was drinking a lovely "lemonade" flavored contrast dye as they inject a radioactive dye in my IV, and another hour is waiting for that to get in my system. I remember this being so uncomfortable. The heat, the enclosed room, endless unfamiliar faces of nurses and doctors coming in to check if everything was "ok". What does okay even mean? I remember being so exhausted and distressed as one nurse came in asking if everything was okay and I couldn't take it anymore and I screamed at her "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IS EVERYTHING OK? I HAVE CANCER". That was the first time I said I had cancer out loud to a stranger. It was exhausting in itself. Later in the week it was time to meet my oncology team. We met in a darker room with three sets of couches and couple chairs. I remember them smiling at me with hopeful eyes, I had no idea what they were going to say next. And frankly, all I could think about was the constant pain my body felt from just sitting, I couldn't even hold myself up. They began with saying I have stage 3 Hodgkins Lymphoma. Stage 3. The cancer was in my neck, chest, stomach and pelvis. It was slowly taking over my body, trying to kill me and all I could think to ask is "will I loose my hair". They then pulled out a huge packet of information explaining that I will have 5 chemotherapy cycles. The packet was full of the side effects of the chemotherapy. It was a packet of side effects... what was this medicine going to do to me? I remember sitting in this meeting feeling nothing, no emotions or thoughts were going through my head, I was numb. Later that week I met with the doctor and they explained I was going to a medical device implanted in my chest that would be a direct line to my blood stream called a "port". They showed me a doll with a port in it. It looked so foreign and terrifying. Fast forward to after my port surgery. My doctor wanted to check in with me before I was going to start chemo the following week. He had the nurse look at my port and "de-access" it. Little did I know the surgeon left the IV needle in my port this entire time and the nurse was about to yank it out of my chest. To this day I remember the pain I felt. I remember the exact scream I cried after the pain flowed throughout my body. I remember thinking is this really what my life is going to be like from now on? It was the week before my first day of chemo. I decided I should cut my hair short so when it fell out it wouldn't be huge strands of hair. This was one of the hardest days in my journey so far. I came in with my hair matted and tied up in a bun. I hadn't washed it in weeks, I was too weak to even stand in the shower. I remember sitting in the chair as she was cutting my hair off and just looking at myself in the mirror trying to hold in the tears. My hair was one of my most prized possessions at the time. I worked so hard on maintaining the color and finally found the perfect length to frame my face and now it was going to be all gone. After the haircut was done a lady who was waiting to get her hair done said "it looks so cute on you what a fun summer cut!" Little did she know I was about to enter anything but a fun summer much less a fun summer cut.
2 Comments
Michelle
4/8/2019 01:03:10 pm
I've only just begun reading your blog my sweet 15 year old daughter was diagnosed with non hodgkin's lymphoma stage one and did 9 rounds of chemo, your story so far is great and reminds me of the strength my baby had when she also cut her own hair off at night alone in our bathroom, what brave women you ARE!
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Bald Bold and Beautiful
4/9/2019 10:36:54 am
Hello, thank you so much for your comment. I am happy that you have found my blog and it has provided you a connection to the isolation we call cancer. I would love to be in contact with you and your daughter if you would like. Feel free to email me [email protected] so we can talk. <3
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